Life is like a whole load of bull. No fucking point in believing or feeling. Everything messes you up. Plays tricks with your fucking head. Mindfuck. The point of existence is mindfuck.

I want more. I feel it now. That feeling of freedom from mindfuck. It doesn't fuck with your mind. It frees your mind from fuck.  

Of course I'm fine with it. I knew you could never "nurse" me back anyway, cuz I was never whole to begin with.

~Don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside in my head~

So I guess from today onward, our 1st month, I begin putting on a plastic front with him. It's kind of ironic and absurd but not something I can complain about because I caused this anyway. I was an idiot to think "will you be my girlfriend" means "i'm ready to commit to a relationship with you". I mean, come on. We just dated for a week. I know best that miracles don't happen, not to me at least. Yet I foolishly fell into that fantasy in my head.

So yes, instead of continuing the next few months of this "relationship" exposing my vulnerability, I will build that wall again. That shell, that whatever I used to call it. Mask?  


 Either ways, I need to stop thinking that I'm a worth a guy showering affection to. I need to stop believing that love can work for me. I need to stop pretending that I won't have to wear the pants. 

It won't be that hard will it? I mean, I know I've done it before. I just forgot how. But I'm sure I can do it again. It's just a matter of a little tweaking of my mindset, a little numbing of my feelings, a little change in lifestyle (I'm in need of one anyway. My eyes hurt everytime I touch it now) and a lot of "I'm fine, I'm always fine :)". I've played that line well before. I can do it again for sure.

Cuz now that I'm the blue rose withered black, there's nothing I can't do. 

Best safety lies in fear.

I was opening my heart once more. About to give you the greatest gift I have been preserving.
But I know better. I always do.
So deep underground this box goes.

Maybe it is true. Maybe I do have borderline personality.

I don't want to know anymore. I already know I'm unusual. I don't want to know anymore than that. I guess this just means I have to put this mask on forever. Because my intentions are always clouded by blind and hasty judgements.

I don't want to bleed anymore for anyone but me.

You claim to love me and have concern for me. Yet you don't protect my dignity and exploit it even. Really, do you think you know every speck of me so well to justify that my "changes" rightfully appear revolting and beyond acceptable to you?

I'll have you know, no matter what you say/think about me, I still am and forever will be cleaner than you. So shove your fucking opinions up your ass.

All the things she said, all the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
Running through my head

When the world is against you, you crawl into the underworld and build a sanctuary.

I had so much to lose. And I lost it all.
All you had to lose was your temper.
You put the blame on me.
You win. I give in.

I dont know how I should feel about him.

He has caused so much hurt and problems to all of us.

Yet, although a huge part of me couldn't be fucked about him, there's that small part that yearns for him. The part that wishes I had a normal dad. The little 14 year old girl in me that'll never go away because she could never have a daddy's touch in her life.

A whole new level of fatigue washes over me as I recall my past two days.

Living life as the days blur into one.

I can't seem to put my mind to what happened. My feelings are mixed, as they always are. Perhaps this is how most "mentally unstable" people start out. Unaware of their actual feelings and motives, they behave on impulse but are never able to comprehend what leads them to their random acts.

I still don't know what I feel after all this. I know I feel many things and none at all at the same time.

I just wish I could pretend things were okay. Go back to the years of blissful denial and ignorance. Have a normal relationship, with normal feelings.

But I know they were ultimately "play pretend". Concealing the truth. Denying the truth. Rejecting the truth. But then the truth throws itself upon me. And I'm forced to accept it. I'm forced to wake up. I'm forced to stand and stare at my world crumbling right before my very eyes.

And still end the day with a "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine :)"

Iam at a rather unexplainable point in my life. Iam neither here nor there. So I hardly know what to feel about many things.

My mind is often hazy these days. I can't quite focus my mind to a particular thought. I think on impulse and live my days in the most random of ways. One second I could be totally lazy and in desperate need of doing pure nothingness, and the very next second I'm getting ready to go out for a random meal.

Iam neither bored, nor excited about anything. It is quite a disturbing prospect but I don't feel disturbed. I don't even know if I feel numb.

Time doesn't pass by anymore. It simply zooms right past. Anyway, here's me trying to focus my mind in this post:

I have about 5 weeks left of this internship. My initial plan was to continue working here for the next few months so I at least have a stable income. However, now Iam not too sure. I feel myself wearing out and the desperate need for a vacation is tearing at me mercilessly.

Also, I hate that when I attempted to play my piano a few days ago, my fingers felt so weak. I have neglected my music for far too long.

Beat.

Now I'm starting to feel something. I'm feeling angry. I spent my past 2 years doing what? Forcing myself to school to study masscom. Fighting with mum every single fucking day. Wasting time with useless guys and sacrificing energy, time and money for friends who now lead their own carefree lives without a speck of thought. And in these past two years, my standard of a grade 6 classical pianist have dropped to a bloody grade 2. I can't even do scales without stopping halfway. And that's just at C Major!

What I would do to go back and change the way I led my life.

I wouldn't be sitting in this stupid office staring at the laptop and writing this redundant post that no one would read except those bot taggers.
I wouldn't be broke.
wouldn't be depressive and unstable.
I wouldn't be alone.
I would have had music.Music's neglecting me now because I neglected it.

Fuck it.

A million voices in me

A million screams

A million bleeding throats

A million voices in me

But only one mouth

No ears

And a dying heart

Tonight is the night I test myself. If I screw up again like I did for seven inch, then I know Iam not meant to go solo. If tonight I am able to deliver, I will proceed to work on a solo album/EP.

Iam ridiculously nervous, paranoid and worried about tonight. It annoys me to eternity everytime someone goes "You'll do fine. You're a natural". How can you say how I'll do if I haven't done it yet? How can you assume the outcome of something that you have no idea of? Stop telling me I'll do fine if you don't even know what I'm doing.

My throat chose the perfect time to be dry and constricted. I didn't even smoke these past few days. Plus my face and hair are in a horrible mess. Breakouts and frizzy hair. I need to start pampering my body.

Dying for some yummy food. I cannot wait for my first pay to come in so I can kick the instant noodles out of my daily meals. It's such a pain in the stomache and isn't doing any good for my weight.

Ouh well, all the best to me for tonight!

Watching the girls in love series is so unhealthy. I actually feel like a lovesick 16 year old waiting for a cute boy to talk to me and I can imagine me freaking out as though I've never even seen a boy before.

*snapping back to reality*

I guess I'm quite glad to know that my lecturer's proud of how I'm doing here. She says she really didn't expect me to adapt so well to this working environment. I guess I could agree with her. But it's only been 3 weeks. It's too early to tell.

Ouh gosh I'm doing it again! The guy in Girls in love kinda looks abit like him! 0.0

*SNAP BACK*

Okay so tomorrow's my solo show at the Goth party. I swear I'm so freaked. The last time I performed solo, it was a major colossal flop. I felt like just dissapearing. And now my throat's being super dry and stubborn and I didn't even smoke at all today pfft.

And he's not coming. I guess it's a good thing, less nervous. But still, can't help feeling sad.

I'm being really silly.

I have fucking had it.

How many things do you wanna throw at me all at once huh God?

If you're up there, if you even fucking exist, WHAT IS YOUR POINT IN DOING THIS?

I will never forgive myself for yesterday. I will never fucking forgive myself for it

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
That's where she lies; broken inside
There's no place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes, broken inside
She's lost inside, lost inside.